Wednesday 15th October 2025

Today I didn't manage to get much done, but I got to a point with this website I can write here. Watched a film; Final Destiny VII. I like it.

I've been dreaming a lot about moving away at the moment. I know exactly where I'll go: Liverpool. Somewhere that far will keep me contained and keep me sane enough. I can't stomach seeing the people I've destroyed, and who have destroyed me. I want to leave to a dorm where I can rot. I'll spend my days burying myself in work and playing old video games, and my nights drinking and walking around the city when nobody will recognise me. It will be a peaceful life. I won't have to feel like this anymore. I won't feel so pathetic in a place where nothing matters anyways. A friend would be nice, but it's never something I've expected. I don't think I deserve anyone around me, and out of something between baseline empathy and fear, I wouldn't want to subject them to me. People don't realise how unstable I am, and that makes me sad. I want to rip apart myself, and sometimes that feeling get's so out of control, I don't know what I'm doing. I get so overwhelmed being in my own skin, I don't understand I'm moving. Luckily I've learnt to remove myself from eyes when this happens; I delete all ways of contacting people and wait it out. Sometimes I drink, sometimes I hurt myself, but I make it to the next day, and I don't have to explain it to anyone. I wouldn't be able to. It's like I can't feel okay. I have a swallowing pit in my heart that tears through the rest of me the second I wake up. Sometimes it dulls, but it never leaves. I've learnt to separate myself from my own body to shield myself just a little, but it's never dullened it enough to feel better. It's like I can only feel the extremes of happy and sad, with no place where I am in control of myself. That's why I need to be alone. I have proven myself time and time again untrustworthy of anyone at all.
I wish I could just feel like everyone else. Everything feels electric or stabbing, no in between. It's exhausting. But I have to keep moving, or I'll never make it out of here. That's all I really want at this stage.
I want to go to Liverpool.

Sunny-Mae